Just For Fun - Christian Sayings, Jokes and Puzzles


BIBLE = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
One whale talking to another:
Whale 1: Upset Stomach?
Whale 2: Nah, Jonah's renovating again.
God put me on earth to accompish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will never die.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
Don't knock procrastination. It saves lots of useful work.
Who says worry doesn't help. All those things I worry about don't happen.
Love your enemies. They'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Blessed are the quilters for they are known as piecemakers.
From Charlie Osborn, A Catholic Evangelist:
- God loves you.
-- How do you know?
- Because He loves me.
-- Yeah, I guess if He loves you, He can love anybody.
At a seminar, students entering the room for lunch found a sign on the buffet table that said, 'Take only one apple. God is watching you.'

At the other end of the table was a large tray of chocolate cookies with a hastily scribbled sign which read: 'Take as many cookies as you want. God is back there watching the apples!'


Calvin: You know, I don't think math is a science, I think it's a religion.

Hobbes: A religion?

Calvin: Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. [Pointing at his math book] This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion!

Hobbes: And in the public schools no less. Call a lawyer.

Calvin: [Looking at his homework] As a math athiest, I should be excused from this.


Remember, God has not gone on vacation and left you in charge.
Give your troubles to God. He'll be up all night anyhow.
When you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Lucy to Charlie Brown: Sooner or later, Charlie Brown, there's one thing you're going to have to learn. You reap what you sow. You get out of life exactly what you put into it, no more, no less.
Charlie Brown: I'd like to see a little more margin for error.
Sign outside a church: Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
North Pole Grammar: Santa's helpers could otherwise be known as subordinate clauses.
Why is the letter T like Easter?
Because they both come at the end of Lent.
Why did Jesus appear first to a woman after His Resurrection?
To make sure the Good News would be spread sooner.
1996 Day of Prayer (May 2) Motto:
Life's hard; pray harder!
What's the difference between a liturgist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive, anyhow.

Gambling

The lottery is a tax on the mathematically disadvantaged.
The one guaranteed way to win the lottery:
Don't play.
The money the state takes in from other people's playing, lowers your tax bill.

Syntax is the money that has by the church from sinners

The Bible According to Golfers, Fishermen and Other of God's Creatures

A Golfer's Psalm 23: Make my ball to lie down in green pastures, not in still waters.
A Fisherman's Psalm 23: My rod and my reel, they comfort me.
The dog's response to Jesus: Many are chosen, but few come when you call them.
Creation from a cat's point of view: And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts... except, of course, for cats.
The Second Coming Jesus said: I am coming soon.
God's soon and our soon are not the same soon.
The Lord is coming soon... Look busy.

Penny Pinching People

When it comes to giving, he'll stop at nothing.
The two assistants were discussing their pastor's thrifty ways. And they agreed that if the pastor, when he dies, sees a light at the end of the tunnel, he'll turn it off.

How Many Books are in the Bible?

OLD TESTAMENT:
How many letters are in the word OLD? 3
How many letters are in the word TESTAMENT? 9
There are 39 books in the Old Testament.

NEW TESTAMENT:
How many letters are in the word NEW? 3
How many letters are in the word TESTAMENT? 9
Multiply 3 by 9 to get 27.
There are 27 books in the New Testament.

Note: This mnemonic works for the Protestant version of the Old Testament. The Catholic version has 7 books, Tobit, Judith, 1 and 2 Maccabees, Wisdom, Ecclesiasticus, and Baruch, that are missing from the Protestant version.

We love Bells in Church!

Hemingway: Ask not for whom the tolls.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Palindromes

A palindrome is a word or sentence that is spelled the same forwards and backwards.

What did Adam name his newly created wife: Eve.

And when he first saw his newly created wife, what did he say to her? "Madam, I'm Adam."


God's command to us: Live not on evil.

Anagrams

An anagram is a word whose letters can be rearranged to spell other word(s), for example steal, teals, tales, stale, lates, slate.

The words that are used to create the anagram are in italics. However I have noticed that some browsers do not display italics. So I have also put those words between double slashes: //.

Pontius Pilate says to Jesus: What is truth?
In the Latin Vulgate, that is: //Quid est Veritas? //
which is an anagram for //Est Vir qui adest. //
In English that translates into //It is the Man Who is here. //


17th Century Poet George Herbert:

How well her name an //Army // doth present,
In whom the Lord of Hosts did pitch His tent!

Answer: The Virgin //Mary. //


Here are some anagram puzzles. The answers are at the end of the file.

//It's in Charity. //
What denomination is the //best in prayer? //
Who would be unhappy if there were //no more stars? //
They are also called //moon-starers. //
What liturgy is not //real fun? //
Who, in some Protestant churches at least, would say //"I hire parsons."? //
In this place the men should say, //"Nay, I repent it." //
The opposite of an //evil fast. //
For some born across the ocean this country is the //Golden Land. //
Where does an //Erin Lad //live? These are NOT //evil's agents. //
//Hear Dante! Oh, beware yon open hell. //
Hopefully this state of life will NOT be //a grim era. //
The music director does not want to hear a //groan //from this.
Answers

Riddles and Puzzles

The man said to his wife: "You're my sister!" Who is he? (Book of Genesis)
Answer
A woman said to her son, "Your father is my father and your grandfather is my husband (not quite). You are my son, and I am your sister. Who am I?" (Book of Genesis)
Answer
Another woman said to her twin sons, "My husband is your brother. My father-in-law is your father. I was married twice but your father is not my husband. And one of you is an ancestor of the Messiah. Who am I?" (Book of Genesis and Matthew 1)Answer
Who is this?
J
--
ah
Answer

Jesus said that marriage is for life. If you change one letter of one particular word in the marriage vow, it allows for easy divorce and remarriage. What is that word?
Marriage vow: I promise to love, honor and cherish you as long as we both shall live.
Answer

For Mathematicians, Physicists, Chemists, Computer Scientists etc.

One MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a very difficult school) student to another:
First Student: I wonder where we go when we die?
Second Student: MIT?
First Student: You mean if we're good or if we're bad?

God: Whew! I just made a 24 hour period of alternating l ight and darkness on this new planet of Mine called Earth.
Angel: Now what are You going to do?
God: Call it a day!
Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.

But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.


And God said "Let there be numbers", and there were numbers.

Odd and even created He them, and He said unto them be fruitful and multiply; and He commanded them to keep the laws of induction.


Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory? A: Because he wasn't Abel.

Intel made another version of the Pentium computer. It's called the Repentium.
Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.
The question now is 'How many neutrinos can dance on the head of a pin?'
Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Hint: OCTal, DECimal


ASHes to ASHes. DOS to DOS.
What does the Adam and Eve virus do to your computer?
It takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Isaac Azimov is a creationist.

Hint: While he was living, Isaac Azimov was an athiest and believed in evolution. He died recently ....


When a mathematician is looking for a wife, what should he say?
I like the PI-ous one the best.
What does an analytic mathematician say when he is drowning?
log-alog, log-alog, log-alog
An English mathematician was asked by his very religious collegue, 'Do you believe in one God?'
He answered, 'Yes, up to isomorphism.'
A particle physicist's view of God: He's a little strange, always tells the truth, and has lots of charm and beauty.
God couldn't be too rigid when He created fluid mechanics.
Son: 'Dad, would you do my homework tonight?'
Father: 'No son; it wouldn't be right.'
Son: 'Well, at least you could try.'
How can you tell that Harvard Divinity School was laid out by a mathematician?
Because the div school is right next to the grad school.
What is the motto of the Mathematics Department of a Christian Univiersity?
Secant, and ye shall find.
The trouble I have arguing religion with Mobius is that he thinks there is only one side to every question.

Hint: A Mobius strip is a closed loop that has only one side.

To make a Mobius strip, take a long thin strip of paper. Assume it is black on one side and white on the other. Bring the two ends together, but before you tape the ends, turn one end over so that you tape the black side of one end to the white side of the other end. Now start drawing a line along the strip. You will find that you can draw a line, starting at the black/white junction, all the way around the strip, covering both the black and white sides, and come back to where you started without crossing the edge.

A strip, joined the normal way, with the outside white and the inside black has two sides. If you start at the junction and trace along the white side, you cannot get to the black side without crossing over the edge.


A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius Band was divine.
Said he, "If you glue
The edges of two
You get a weird bottle like mine."

Geometry keeps you in shape.
Decimals make a point.
Einstein was ahead of his time.
Lobachevski was out of line.

There Once Was a Breathy Baboon_ by Sir Arthur Eddington

There once was a breathy baboon
Who always breathed down a bassoon,
For he said, "It appears
That in billions of years
I shall certainly hit on a tune."

Hint: Part of the claims of evolutionism is that given enough time, molecules are arranged to create life.


A graduate student at Trinity
Computed the square of infinity.
But it gave him the fidgets
To put down the digits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.

Q: How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.



Sign on the road between Jerusalem and Bethlehem:
Bethlehem: 5^2 - 4/.4 - SQRT(16) miles

Hint: 25 - 10 - 4 = 11 miles


"Jerusalem, built as a city with compact unity." (Psalm 122:3)
It can be covered with a finite number of closed sets.

Electrons have no mass. Gee, I didn't know they weren't Catholic.
Sign on the wall of a church in Munich, Germany:
Heisenberg MAY have worshipped here.

Hint: Heisenberg discovered, postulated the uncertainty principle.

Godel can't PROVE he was here.

Descartes THOUGHT he was here.


A year spent studying artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
There was a young man who said "God,
I find it exceedingly odd,
That the willow oak tree
Continues to be,
When there's no one about in the Quad."

"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
For I'm always about in the Quad;
And that's why the tree,
Continues to be,"
Signed "Yours faithfully, God."


Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.


Chemistry is applied theology. -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III

Christmas Poem for Computer Scientists

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}

Creation Revisited

On the 7th day, God exited append mode.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

Nursery tale: Frog -> Prince (t=instantaneous)
Evolution: Frog -> Prince (t=300 million years)


God didn't create the world in a week. He goofed off for 6 days and then He pulled an all-nighter!

On the other hand...

If God had had a secretary, He could have made the world by Thursday and then taken a 3 day weekend!


One monkey is talking to another:
'Of course, I'd like to evolve into something better, but what could that possibly be?'
One fish in a fishbowl to another fish:
'I'll tell you something else I think. I think there are other bowls somewhere out there with intelligent life just like ours.'
Earth is a beta site.
How do you change ape into man by changing one letter at a time?
Answer

Creation


A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"


In the Garden of Eden, God is giving Adam a geometry lesson: "Two parallel lines intersect at infinity. It can't be proved but I've been there."
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
Answer: The chicken.
Gen 1:20: And God said, "let the water bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that have life and fowl that fly above the earth."

A little girl's view of Creation: Of course God created man first. He was a rough draft. Then God created woman.
God created Man.
Then He said, "I can do better than that!"
And He created Woman.
In the beginning there was nothing. Then God created light. And now you could see the nothing.
Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard that day.

'Who would like to do the first problem, addition?'

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.

'Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?'

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

'Who would like to do the third problem, division?'

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right (she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends).

'Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?'

Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. 'Why the enthusiasm, Tim?'

'God said to go fourth and multiply!'

Noah and the Ark

Noah, after the flood subsided, opened the doors of the Ark and released the animals. All living things rushed to freedom, except two snakes who lingered in a corner. "Why don't you go forth and multiply?" asked Noah.

"We can't," sighed the snakes. "We're adders!"


After the earth dries out, Noah tells all the animals to 'go forth and multiply'. However, two snakes, adders to be specific, complain to Noah that this is one thing they have never been able to do, hard as they have tried. Undaunted, Noah instructs the snakes to go into the woods, make tables from the trunks of fallen trees and give it a try on the tabletops.

The snakes respond that they don't understand how this will help them to procreate.

Noah explains: "Well, even adders can multiply using log tables!"


Noah must have taken into the ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they ever multiply!
If Joan of Arc had married Noah, she'd be Noah's Arc.
Cartoon: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil. Noah says 'I hate to break up the set but one of you has to go.'

Moses and the Ten Commandments

Picture of Moses holding the 10 Commandments:
Frankly, no, they're NOT just a rough draft.

Same scene:
No, they are NOT the 10 Suggestions.

Why there are only 10 Commandments:
Moses is holding 2 tablets while God is writing the 11th Commandment on a 3rd tablet:
Thou Shalt Be Patient.
Moses says "Thanks, Lord, but I don't have time to wait."


Ten to twenty years ago a successful campaign was waged to take the 10 Commandments off the walls of the public schools.

A recent study in Washington DC showed that 50% of students steal from one another

Maybe they should put a sign on the wall: Thou shalt not steal.

Other Christian Cartoon Sites


Anagram Answers

It's in Charity = Christianity
best in prayer = Presbyterians
no more stars = astronomers
moon-starers = astronomers
real fun = funeral
I hire parsons = Parishioners
Nay, I repent it = penitentiary
evil fast = festival
Golden Land = Old England
Erin lad = Ireland
evil's agents = evangelists
Hear Dante! Oh, beware yon open hell = Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
a grim era = marriage
groan = organ

Riddle Answers

His wife, Sarah, is also his sister: Abraham (Genesis 19 and "But indeed she is truly my sister. She is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife." Genesis 20:12)

Lot's elder daughter to her son Moab, the father of the Moabites OR Lot's younger daughter to her son Benammi, the founder of the Ammonites. (Genesis 19:30-38)

Another woman (Tamar) said to her twin sons (Perez and Zerah), "My husband (Er) is your brother. My father-in-law (Judah) is your father. I was married twice (to Er and Onan) but your father (Judah) is not my husband. And one of you (Perez) is an ancestor of the Messiah." (Genesis 38)

J
-- = Jonah   (Jo on ah )
ah

Change "as long as ye both shall live" to love.

Ape -> Man Answer

ape, are, ere, err, ear, mar, man.
ape, apt, opt, oat, mat, man
Bibliography:
Some of the palindromes, anagrams and puzzles come from
The Oxford Guide to Word Games by Tony Augarde

Some of the jokes and sayings come from

The Catholic Digest

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iuzzolin@nmia.com